Learning Lessons

I saw a post recently on polyamory.com where a woman talked about that even though polyamory appealed to her, she had trauma in her past and was scared at being approached, by men specifically. (She is bisexual, so she had been, in her previously classified monogamy, not bothered by men.)

A regular board member replied:

Are you talking about in actual poly group meetups? ... I have heard about males who cruise those meetups solely to hit on women, without contributing in otherwise meaningful ways, just making pests of themselves.

I'm reminded of a thought I had before I met Mandi, and dare I say a thought I've had when I wonder that Mandi would get sick of me, and part ways. 

Essentially, my idea was based off the feeling that many times people might not want to be approached, even if it's an approachable situation, or a situation we've been taught as a society that IS approachable (like being out at a bar). And more poignantly, maybe someone wants to be approached, but just not by me.

Even if I'm not a bad guy, if I make a mistake and come off that way, or dare I say, I do the right things but my actions, or words, are misconstrued by a biased opinion on the other side (maybe they had a bad day or I remind them of someone else); then I've added to the pool of bad guys. Even if I'm really not, or if my actions are right, but I'm unwanted for any other reason that isn't entirely based on who I really am.

So, my idea was, not to try. I know, it sounds like giving up. But, I'm trying to make a life of net-positive. Maybe that's the best part of being a nappy cat. A nappy cat doesn't really bother anyone. A nappy cat might try to make its most lived life at night, in the shadows and unblamed. But, my point is, net positive, that's what I want. And if I'm going out here, and trying to find 1 OTHER person that might like me, or as much as it sucks to think about, one person to like me again if Mandi decides she doesn't want to deal with shit anymore, then I can't help but think about the effects of that.

If I ask about 100 women, just to get one person to say to a date, I can't help but think about the dynamics of that. What if 25 of those 100 women feel a little offended that I ask them out because I may be out of their league, or not within a specific demographic, or more of some type of guy that they just don't want to deal with anymore? What if that's happening? And, what if the numbers are higher?

There's a person that's real, the person that I mention at the beginning of this post that has real trauma to deal with. And from their description, someone like me could be genuinely interested, nice, and willing to give them whatever berth they needed. But because I might have a look, or a look I don't know I give, or just approaching them in general (which is this thing that everybody says I should do - "say hi, talk to them!") that might set them off, I'm left to wonder. And I wonder if I am making life a net positive for people.

I remember Freddie deBoer once wrote:

"Our constant task as human beings is to overcome the fear of that rejection so that we can connect. I would nominate this dynamic as one of the great human dramas, a core element of being alive."

It struck me as a truth when I read it. I still believe it. Yet, I'm not just trying to overcome rejection, I'm trying to overcome making the world unpleasant by being in it.